White Coat, Black Hat

“O sinner! Consider the fearful danger you are in: ’tis a great furnace of wrath, a wide and bottomless pit….”

Carl will be at Harvard Thursday, to rage against the wicked, and to peddle a six-year-old, mostly forgotten book of stolen ideas.  If you go, you can probably get a remainder-bin copy out of the crate he pathetically carries around with him – Or better yet, just use that money to buy some hog urine.

Book spoiler alert: Carl doesn’t like it when other people make money. Good thing he’s doing this whole shebang for free; otherwise he’d look like a hypocrite.

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From the desk of:
Dr. Professor The Ethicator, Esq.

Dr. Carl Elliott, BFD
Department of Bioethics or some shit
University of Minnesota
Re:  Your failures

Dear “Dr” Elliott:

I am writing this letter to reprimand you for your significant acts of unprofessional conduct. After careful review of the facts surrounding your case, and what you consider to be your scholarship, I have concluded that you are a lying plagiarist and a bad older brother. I refer in particular to the following:

• For five years now, and on multiple occasions, you used a younger sibling as primary source of information for one of your recent books (Remember those emails?). Yet, when confronted with incontrovertible evidence of your fabrication, you have consistently refused to rectify the error through contacting your publishers, your interviewers and the attendees of all your lectures since 2005 and informing them of your brother’s contributions and intellectual superiority. Instead, you persist in advancing the wildly implausible theory that you wrote everything yourself. This is unfortunate.
• In September of 2010, you badgered and cajoled same family member into building a website for your book. Aside from suffering deep humilation and ostracism from key business partners due to your maniacal, pharma-bashing rage; said family member was never even compensated for his work. It’s unfortunate that all this has escalated to the point of our calling your house late at night with airhorns over the phone, and photoshopping wolfman heads onto your faculty portrait, but them’s the breaks. Pay, up, say uncle and it’s over. Your move.

Your conduct in this matter significantly departs from the expectations of an ethicist and of an Elliott family member. Seriously: you are fucking up the family brand, big time. You’re reprimanded, fucker – suck on that.

Warm regards,

The Ethicator

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Dear Ethicator,

I just scored a sweet little contract to investigate a client accused of wrongdoing. I’ve been assured it’s nothing much, just a quick check to make sure all their current practices are on the up-and-up.  It’s going to be forward-looking; no need to dig too deep into the past, apparently. The thing is, this is all making me a little nervous.  What if I find that something really, really wrong is going on? What do I do then? I mean, I make my living off this stuff. I know I’m supposed to do a good job, but what if I say something that makes people never want to hire me again? How do I do my job in a way that keeps me employed?

Conscientious

Dear Conscientious,

Why does everybody just assume that taking on an ethics gig requires them to become a sanctimonious, industry-bashing nutball? (Ok, don’t tell me, I already know.)  Anyway, I’ll say it again: You’ve got the profession all wrong.   Being one of the good guys often means knowing how to keep the bad guys  coming back for more. It’s a delicate balance, but you can do it. Many of us have.

I’m reminded of an email that an elderly friend passed on to me and a few hundred other people, about this tribe in Africa, where apparently they have an unusual way of dealing with crime:

When someone does something hurtful and wrong, they take the person to the center of town, and the entire tribe comes and surrounds him. For two days they’ll tell the man every good thing he has ever done.

The tribe believes that every human being comes into the world as GOOD, each of us desiring safety, love, peace, happiness.

But sometimes in the pursuit of those things people make mistakes. The community sees misdeeds as a cry for help. They band together for the sake of their fellow man to hold him up, to reconnect him with his true Nature, to remind him who he really is, until he fully remembers the truth from which he’d temporarily been disconnected: “I AM GOOD.”

Think about that for a moment, and ask yourself: Doesn’t your client deserve the same? When that terrible moment comes, and you find out your benefactors have truly screwed the pooch, maybe you just need to put this in the context of your client’s inherent, abiding goodness.

As they say, you’ve got to love yourself first.  And let’s face it: Sometimes, exploiting sick people for money is just a cry for help. So consider being like those tribespeople:  Take some time to remind your clients of every good thing they have ever done in their lives; bring witnesses to tell them the same.   Sing your clients praises at every event you can put together:  Press conferences. State fair booths.  Infomercials.   And finally, do your absolute best to crush and humiliate all the sanctimonious weasels and vermin who would tell the public otherwise. But above all, bathe your clients in the warmth of that simple, homely reminder: I AM GOOD.

Face it, nobody listens to a scold. Positivity is the key. That exoneration you are about to write?  Think of it as aspirational.

And above all, remember: You are one of the good guys. Otherwise, nobody would have given you the title. Sleep well.

You’re welcome,

The Ethicator.

Advice Column, Ethicator, Uncategorized

New Opening!

Exciting opportunity for graduate students, newly minted Ph.Ds and ABDs with limited options to acquire hands-on experience bringing exploitative, bullying plagiarists to justice.

The Ethicator Foundation is a non-profit advocacy group dedicated to bringing honesty and integrity to the academic world, and ending impunity for ethicists who steal ideas.

Are you the ideal candidate for this position?  If so, you are a bold, truth-telling trailblazer with a passion for justice. You fear no one, least of all Big Ethics. A fiercely independent thinker, you tenaciously support the Ethicator Foundation’s ideals of academic honesty and full compensation for web developers, and an end to academic bullying from siblings.  Above all else, you are passionate about bringing down cheapskate plagiarist shitheads.

Your responsibilities will include: Daily meetings with the Ethicator (late morning to early afternoon, depending on when I wake up); some routine opposition research, in the form of database searches and some surveillance; and a limited amount of landscaping, laundry and pet care. Work runs 50-70 hours per week, depending on your level of dedication.

This volunteer post offers hands-on experience with a top expert in the field, not to mention the prospect of excellent references from Carl’s enemies. There is also the possibility of some future remuneration in the event that Carl ever pays up. If you are interested, please send your resume to: info@whitecoatblackhat.com.

The Ethicator is an equal opportunity employer. We are dedicated to a safe, secure, non-threatening work environment and I never get handsy.

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Devoted followers will know that I’ve been seeking ways to monetize the runaway success of my blog. I’m excited to say that I’ve just caught the eye of a highly coveted Internet marketing firm in the UK. I’ve left out the names, but as you can see, things look very promising.

If you’ve got a product to sell and want in on this action, email me at info@whitcoatblackhat.com.
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From:                      
To: info@whitecoatblackhat.com
Subject: Enquiry regarding Whitecoatblackhat.com
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2012 10:25:32 +0800

Hi Carl,

I work for                   ; a UK based Digital Marketing Consultancy.

We represent clients interested in social media marketing on smaller sites with little or no existing advertising and we’re currently looking for advertising partners.

We pay a fixed upfront annual fee which we will agree on with you. Once the ad is in place, payment is made within approximately 48 hours.

Would you be interested in placing a small text-based ad on Whitecoatblackhat.com?

Kind regards,

            

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Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2013 00:08:32 +0000
From:                      
To: info@whitecoatblackhat.com
Subject: Follow Up on Advertising Proposal

Hi Carl,

I’m not sure if you recall, but I recently sent you some details regarding placing a text advert on your site. I was wondering whether you’d given it any thought. You’re probably very busy, but it seemed sensible to send you a quick email.

That said, sometimes emails get flagged as spam, so I’m also making sure I’m not ending up in your junk mail by mistake, as it does sometimes happen! If you’ve any questions, please feel free to let me know, I’m here to help.

Many thanks,

            

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From: White Coat, Black Hat <info@whitecoatblackhat.com>

Date: Wed, Jan 16, 2013 at 10:34 PM
Subject: Re: Follow Up on Advertising Proposal
To:                                

Dear           

Thank you for your inquiry, but I think you have the wrong person. I am not Carl; I am his brother.  Carl talked me into setting up this website a couple of years ago, but then bailed on me after I wrote a biography he didn’t like and published an interview that made him look like a mendacious, bullying fraud.   Then he went all crybaby on me, and I wound up on my own.  So here I am.

But here’s the good news:  My blog has become a viral sensation, with arguably the highest impact factor of any bioethics blog out there.  I do interviews, I run a regular advice column called the Ethicator, and much more.  I have a large and growing fan base, especially among Carl’s enemies, and I am totally up for getting some advertising revenue coming in (Lord knows I’ll never see any money from Carl).  So let’s talk turkey:  What are you planning on advertising on my site?  I’m thinking I need a diverse ad base – Scientology sites and boner pills alike.  Also some herbal stuff in case that makes me look even-handed.

How much money are we talking about? Do I need provide you with a Paypal account?  I would rather not have my name out there, in case Carl ever decides to sue me.  Would you be comfortable simply sending a cash envelope to a PO Box?  We can discuss further.  I eagerly await your reply.

The Ethicator

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Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2013 04:16:07 +0000
From:                      
To: info@whitecoatblackhat.com
Subject: Re: Follow Up on Advertising Proposal

Thanks for getting back to me!

The client we represent would like to expand its brand influence further, and in order to achieve that goal, they need to advertise on sites based inside and outside of the UK. Since the best way to do this is through the internet, we search for websites that match our clients’ requirements then contact the site’s webmaster.

Basically, we wish you to create a new post or article on your blog to accommodate our client’s link.

We will provide you with the URL, and you can link to it in any manner you see fit (topic, content, language, length). You can write the page (preferably 250-words or two paragraphs) in review format or simply write about the usual topics on your site. We would offer you 120 USD.

The fee I sent you are quoted for a year’s placement and we pay the whole amount in US Dollars upfront.

To give you an idea of what a text advert looks like, please view our example at the following link: http://www.discoverdisney.co.uk/family-diary where the anchor is ‘Virgin Atlantic’.

We aim to complete payment via secure payment partners Paypal or Moneybookers within 1 to 2 days of the advert going live on your site.

Also, you may read our terms and conditions:                             .pdf.

I won’t be able to give you an example as it will violate our Non-Disclosure Agreement with webmasters but I can give you more details regarding the client we have for your website.

Our technical and clients team would have to make a further assessment of your website (in terms of quality, content, design, and etc.,) so that we can check to which client specifications your website matches before we can send you more details. We will make sure that you agree with client before asking you to place our advert live on your site.

Would you be interested in having your website further assessed? If you are, please let me know. We’ll then send over the client’s URL (subject to your approval) so you can proceed with the draft of the advert.

Lastly, if you have more websites we can work on, please feel free to send over a list. It would help if you can include the list of websites on your next email so I can start lining them up for assessment and review.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

           

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From: White Coat, Black Hat <info@whitecoatblackhat.com>
Date: Thu, Jan 17, 2013 at 11:53 PM
Subject: Re: Follow Up on Advertising Proposal
To:            

This sounds awesome. Do you have any pharmaceutical companies as clients? That would be even better. Now, I’m wondering if you could you explain a few things to me. I’m wondering if you have in mind my writing a full post devoted to your client’s product, or just a casual mention with a link. If it’s the latter, I’m thinking of something like:

• “If that fucker Carl had ever bothered to pay me for his website, I’d be driving a KIA Sportage right now.”
• “I spent last night with a bottle of George Dickel and some Ambien, thinking of the ways Carl has wronged me. Yet sleep never came.”
• “I ordered the venti espresso from Starbucks, crushed up some of my Adderall and had myself a time”

I’m sure those could be worked into just about anything. A full post could be a little more complicated; it depends on who wants the ad space. Right now, I can tell you I have at least one post in the works that would likely interest both the makers of Levitra and Wild Turkey. But stay tuned …

One last question: If Carl sues me for what I say in your ad, who pays? Will your client help, or is that still on me?

I look forward to hearing from you.

The Ethicator

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Date: Tue, 22 Jan 2013 01:24:01 +0000
From:                      
To: info@whitecoatblackhat.com
Subject: Re: Follow Up on Advertising Proposal

Hi,

Sorry for the delayed response.

On this occasion, we could not match your site with a current client. However, we are continuously bringing new clients on board and I expect to have a good match for you in the near future.

With your permission, I’ll keep your site on our list and will get back to you if I find a suitable advertiser.

In the meantime, if you or anyone you know manages other sites that we might consider then please feel free to forward them to me.

Best regards,

           

 

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Sadly, you never hear the second half of this famous quote:

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In his reccent interview with Misha Angrist, Carl Elliott says:  “You’re calling me an ethicist?  Man, that hurts.”

You know, I’m not ashamed to admit that I am a bioethicist. But you don’t need to be at grand rounds every week to know there’s something wrong when pious, sermonizing blowhards can openly trash their hardworking, patriotic brothers and colleagues, while these brave men and women can’t openly admit to being ethicists without being ridiculed.

The Ethicator stands against Carl Elliott’s war on bioethics and the medical profession.  I am committed to bringing people together, breaking down the silos between the ethicists who so bravely do the work, and the commercial interests who so generously fund it.

h/t Rick Perry

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In an interview with Misha Angrist last week, Carl Elliott finally acknowledged the existence of his brother’s website. Here is my long-awaited response:

Well, it’s certainly pleasing to hear, after 14 months of tanking book sales and worldwide ridicule, that Carl acknowledges his brother’s website (an overnight viral sensation and the most widely read bioethics website of 2011) is “much better than (his) book”.  That’s mighty sweet of him to say.  I guess I’ll take any compliment I can get, even one dripping with false modesty and condescending fakery, in lieu of that check he never wrote.

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I’m sure it’s not easy having a brother who’s a runaway internet viral sensation. For what it’s worth, though, Phil and Dave Alvin, formerly of the Blasters, recorded this excellent song:

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“Hey, everybody, look at me. I’ve got tenure and you suck. Want to watch me make fun of my employer? I can do that! They make money, so they must be criminals. My book is on Amazon, by the way. Have you read it? It’s only $15.52.”
-Carl Elliott

Today we are treated to the sad spectacle of Dr. BFD acting out his grudges against the productive class in his review of Benjamin Ginsburg’s new book, The Fall of the Faculty.

What’s all too clear is that, as a pampered member of the academic elite, Carl resents the democratization of education that we’ve seen over the last few years. The marketplace is finding less and less room for overpaid academic middlemen like him standing between the students, who pay the money, and the administrators, who take it.

Somebody moved your cheese, buddy–move on.

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Thanks for ruining my life, asshole.

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Back in 1970, Roche Laboratories was not afraid to call your dad a pussy.   Thanks to the Bonkers Institute, we have a copy of this Valium ad, which appeared in the Journal of Hospital and Community Psychiatry:

“Women dominate his universe; psychic tension can rule his life . . . domination by women has led to psychic tension. He doesn’t understand the source of his psychic tension. But you do. He relates well to women with domineering traits. But not to men. Not even his own son.”

Click image to enlarge

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More from the brave, dissenting truth-tellers within the ranks at PharmedOut:

Dearest Ethicator,
I am so sorry to hear that we have offended you. Within our first few days as interns, we realized the mistake PharmedOut had made in overlooking your talents . We begged and pleaded to invite you to our conference. As you have assessed, the pressure that we are under from conference overlords proves to be an uphill battle. Even so, we thought the invitation had been sent out. I guess we expected too much from “the man.”

You’ll be pleased to know that “We want the Ethicator” protestors have already started camping out besides the conference location. The line rivals that outside of the Apple store when the new iPhone came out. What is it now, the 84X? Whatever. We are moved by the protesters’ determination. Their lining up skills might resemble that of those trying to acquire a very coveted object, but their camping skills and general hygiene seem more akin to attendees of Bonnaroo.

We hope that they do not line up in vain and that you will grace us with your Ethicating presence so the pleas of your fans do not go unnoticed.

We see that you have demands. However, the demands do not seem up to the standards we would like to give our most honored guest. We propose a different approach. Domestic first class is meaningless these days, without even the promise of synthetic and packaged “food” items. To make up for your having to travel by bus, we will provide you a golf cart for your transport during the conference. Moreover, the Watergate is packed with the scandal that accompanies the mostly retired. We propose that Dr. Carl Elliott be forced to allow you to sleep in his room. We imagine that the subliminal messages that you will whisper while he sleeps will force him to do terribly during his talk and regain some justice in the world.

An award would be distasteful, as it would not garner the attention that you deserve. We will provide a grand entrance for you, complete with glitter confetti and bowing fans. Perhaps we can even find someone to carry you into the auditorium. There is also a promise of a tour of Dr. Fugh-Berman’s “medicinal herb garden.” Need I say more?

And finally, bourbon. One of us is a southerner who knows that bourbon hardly tastes as good if you are drinking it without the company of people who truly know what a blessing a sip (or fifth) of Wild Turkey can be. Although we might not be able to provide the obligatory porch, we can assure you that you will find a bourbon lover within the crowd. Although we cannot provide you a name for obvious reasons, let’s just say this person cannot drink bourbon in DC without becoming terribly homesick. We do not think you will find a more true love than that.
We hope that these offers exceed your expectations. Do not fret. PharmedOut, in our mission to identify and counter inappropriate promotional practices, demands the best.

We hope that we have not overwhelmed you. Please reconsider coming to the conference. Your fans await you.

Thank you,
PharmedOut interns

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As you are surely aware by now, the extremists at Pharmed Out delivered a crushing blow to academic freedom at this week’s conference.  Snubbing the Ethicator, they brought Carl Elliott to spew his anti-pharma hatred unchallenged.  What you may not know, however,  is that a few brave and lonely voices of dissent emerged among the conference organizers, seeking to undo the damage done.  In the end, their efforts were no match for the Big Anti-Pharma forces controlling the event, but I feel compelled to repost here the courageous emails they sent me earlier this week.

Dear Mr. Elliott, B.

I hope this letter reaches you while you are seated comfortably on a giant squishy chair, listening to your favorite soundtracks, and not chained to a plastic folding chair in a cubicle somewhere arbitrarily chosen by your brother, the Other Elliott. There has been some rumor that you have not been formally invited to attend the PharmedOut conference that is being held in DC this coming week. This news has devastated me as I have been preparing to meet the Real Elliott, he with such brilliance and charisma, the mastermind. How could it be that The Ethicator would not show at such an event? It is my most sincere hope that you will come to this conference. Pretty please, with cherries on top, go to the conference! After all, B comes before C.

Truly,

An Admirer

Dear Admirer,

Thank you for your courageous stand for academic freedom.  I can only imagine the pressure you must be feeling from your conference overlords, and I’m deeply moved by your steadfastness.   There should be more bioethicists like you.

As for my attending, I’m afraid the chances are now remote.  I can only encourage you to join the legions of protesters who are picketing the conference on my behalf.   It would take a lot to appease me at this point (first class flight, a room at the Watergate, and of course the usual bourbon and percocet, just for starters; an award would be nice, too).  Still, my fans have the right to hope, and to continue working for a better world.

Thank you for your heroism, and keep up the fight.

The Ethicator

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Courtesy of the Bonkers Institute for Nearly Genuine Research

Stop that cough with Bayer Heroin.

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Medical Ethics for Dummies, meet Medical Ethics for Pious, Sermonizing Pricks

Photo of a library shelf, submitted by one of our users. Note the placement on the shelf.

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Courtesy of the Bonkers Institute, an ad from back when people weren’t afraid to think outside the box.

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