New Opening!
Exciting opportunity for graduate students, newly minted Ph.Ds and ABDs with limited options to acquire hands-on experience bringing exploitative, bullying plagiarists to justice.
The Ethicator Foundation is a non-profit advocacy group dedicated to bringing honesty and integrity to the academic world, and ending impunity for ethicists who steal ideas.
Are you the ideal candidate for this position? If so, you are a bold, truth-telling trailblazer with a passion for justice. You fear no one, least of all Big Ethics. A fiercely independent thinker, you tenaciously support the Ethicator Foundation’s ideals of academic honesty and full compensation for web developers, and an end to academic bullying from siblings. Above all else, you are passionate about bringing down cheapskate plagiarist shitheads.
Your responsibilities will include: Daily meetings with the Ethicator (late morning to early afternoon, depending on when I wake up); some routine opposition research, in the form of database searches and some surveillance; and a limited amount of landscaping, laundry and pet care. Work runs 50-70 hours per week, depending on your level of dedication.
This volunteer post offers hands-on experience with a top expert in the field, not to mention the prospect of excellent references from Carl’s enemies. There is also the possibility of some future remuneration in the event that Carl ever pays up. If you are interested, please send your resume to: info@whitecoatblackhat.com.
The Ethicator is an equal opportunity employer. We are dedicated to a safe, secure, non-threatening work environment and I never get handsy.
Ethicator, Uncategorized
Dear Ethicator,
I am a hard-working, dedicated researcher at one of our country’s top pharmaceutical labs. We’re working on a promising new antidepressant and we’re pretty excited. You didn’t hear this from me, but the side effects profile is pretty sweet: Euphoria, bursts of extreme productivity, extraordinary sexual prowess and a diminished need for sleep. Plus, we haven’t had an adverse event in nearly three weeks. This could be big.
As far as I can see, we’ve only got one thing to worry about: Big Ethics. I know we’re supposed to get these people involved at some point, but seriously: Can’t we just get some momentum going before the buzzkill brigade heads onto the cable news shows and tells everybody they’re all better off lazy, impotent and miserable? I’d rather just skip them altogether. Or maybe I could just hire one to make the others go away? What do you think?
Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
Do you need an ethicist? You bet your ass you need an ethicist. Did you seriously think you were just going to waltz in with some wonder drug and not give any of my people a taste?
Besides: You’ve got ethics all wrong. Questioning the value of your drug is not even remotely within the scope of our mandate. We’re here to stimulate discussion and frame the issues; the rest is up to you. If your ethicists are hurting your bottom line, well, you are talking to the wrong ethicists. An experienced pro will know what to ask. Check these out:
- Is it ethical to deny people your drug, once we know how awesome it is?
- Are we harming the public by requiring this drug undergo more testing, instead of just saying “fuck it” and putting it right in the water supply?
- What should our moral stance be toward the idiots and crazies who refuse to take your drug? Is it wrong to post their home phone numbers online, or did these people give up their right to privacy the moment they started jeopardizing public health?
See what I mean? This is where our profession starts showing practical value. Kick a little up to the right ethicist, and you’ll start hearing all the good questions, the type that get people crashing down pharmacy doors.
All I’m saying is: I’m on your side. It sounds to me like you’ve got a kick-ass drug on your hands, and it would really be a shame, hypothetically speaking, if anything happened to it. An ethicist can help you navigate those waters.
And remember: You asked me first. We both know what that means.
You’re welcome,
The Ethicator
Advice Column, Ethicator
