From the desk of:
Dr. Professor The Ethicator, Esq.
Dr. Carl Elliott, BFD
Department of Bioethics or some shit
University of Minnesota
Re: Your failures
Dear "Dr" Elliott:
I am writing this letter to reprimand you for your significant acts of unprofessional conduct. After careful review of the facts surrounding your case, and what you consider to be your scholarship, I have concluded that you are a lying plagiarist and a bad older brother. I refer in particular to the following:
- For five years now, and on multiple occasions, you used a younger sibling as primary source of information for one of your recent books (Remember those emails?). Yet, when confronted with incontrovertible evidence of your fabrication, you have consistently refused to rectify the error through contacting your publishers, your interviewers and the attendees of all your lectures since 2005 and informing them of your brother's contributions and intellectual superiority. Instead, you persist in advancing the wildly implausible theory that you wrote everything yourself. This is unfortunate.
- In September of 2010, you badgered and cajoled same family member into building a website for your book. Aside from suffering deep humilation and ostracism from key business partners due to your maniacal, pharma-bashing rage; said family member was never even compensated for his work. It's unfortunate that all this has escalated to the point of our calling your house late at night with airhorns over the phone, and photoshopping wolfman heads onto your faculty portrait, but them's the breaks. Pay, up, say uncle and it's over. Your move.
Your conduct in this matter significantly departs from the expectations of an ethicist and of an Elliott family member. Seriously, you are fucking up the family brand, big time. You're reprimanded, fucker – suck on that.