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Dear Ethicator: How do I get out of here?

March 10th, 2012

Dear Ethicator,

A while back I got a spam email inviting me to be on the editorial board of a new journal.  I had never heard of it, but I was coming up for tenure, so I said yes and added it to my CV.

Last week, I finally got around to checking the Internet and found your “journal.”  Is this some kind of joke?  You said the journal was peer-reviewed and had the highest impact factor in its class.  But as far as I can tell, you spend all your time insulting your brother.  Am I supposed to have heard of this guy?  You give out terrible advice, and you whore yourself to private industry at every opportunity.  I am a strong advocate of civil discourse, and I am embarrassed to be associated with this.  Plus, I have tenure now.  So my question is: how do I get off?



Dear Regretful,

I’m sorry. I missed the part where you thanked me for saving your academic career. I’m sure you intended to start with that, because that’s the only thing any decent person could say under these circumstances. Your name is now associated with one of the three most widely cited websites in the history of the bioethics field. You have a lifetime meal ticket that can’t be revoked, as long as nobody catches you in the faculty lounge with your pants around your ankles. That’s my gift to you. You’re welcome; use it well.

How do you get on my editorial board? It’s easy: Say yes, give me your name, and – this is the hard part – shut the fuck up.  Seriously, put a sock in it.  Stay quiet, no matter what I say or do. Remember: this job is about loyalty, nothing more.  It may seem unsettling at times — in fact, there will be days when you wonder if I am a batshit crazy, self-destructive psychopath — but you’ve got to remember there’s a method to my madness, and if you stick with me, you’ll go places.

You want out now?  Look:  What you don’t realize is that you’ve already boarded this crazy train whether you like it or not.  I’ve been writing this shit for a year and a half — where’ve you been?  Sorry, too late. Your best hope at this point is to stick it out with the man who got you here.  And in case you didn’t notice, I blog and tweet like a motherfucker.  You want to cut me loose in public, hoss, go right ahead.

Your loving mentor,

The Ethicator

Advice Column, Ethicator

  1. Anon E. Mouse
    March 10th, 2012 at 22:33 | #1

    Surely responding to Regretful merely reinforces his belief that he is the one who can request leaving your gracious and giving presence. Shouldn’t you simply ignore him while it is still advantageous to connect his name to your own, and then when he outlives his usefulness, remove his name from your masthead at your convenience?

  2. You’ve pissed me off now
    March 11th, 2012 at 00:34 | #2

    You post this rambling nonsensical groveling crap, and not my solid editorial advice which was censored out of a recent comment here. You Bobo, have the pee sized balls of irradiated cockroach; which is only surpassed by your sniveling self righteous indignation.

    Good thing I have some serious inside connections with the University of Minnesota mafia…don’t worry…you’ll never see it coming…lol

  3. Editer in Chief
    March 20th, 2012 at 22:04 | #3

    Dearest Confused….

    I believe you are presenting a philosophical question outside of the ethicators limited capacity & expertize…may I refer you to a photo of the ethicators last intimate long term relationship ( exhibit A: http://www.muttonbone.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/sheepside_2.gif ) to further your understanding of his ongoing fragile mental health.

    In subsequent correspondence, please try using terms referring to livestock auctions & other perverse concepts while leaning the subject matter more toward medication compliance when leaving comments for the ethicator to drool over in .

    As the newly indoctrinated chief grand Pooh Bah of all editorial matters concerning this blog. I would like to send to you a Carl’s Fan Club T-shirt ( https://twitter.com/#!/WriteWithStan/status/182216773502902272 ) along with your autographed whitecoatbackhat hardback edition of Carl’s worthless diatribe.

    ( Plus as an added bonus: do to the high quality paper his publisher used in this limited edition series; the book can also be used numerous creative projects; such as http://www.sexygadgets.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/Origami-Toilet-Paper.jpg that can lead toward a profitable career change far away from the unforgiving & corrupted academic world of ethics http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1402/1190187657_c7916ba6bf.jpg )

    There is no need to thank myself & the rest of the newly ordained editorial board for our generosity; Just continue to placate this philanthropic endeavor once we have switched over to paid subscription membership only reading..

    Thank you,

    Mr. McGoo

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